bluebacon

eduardo's mom is taking the 1br apartment in this building so today i went down to take a look at it with my landlord. first of all she did warn me that the current tenant is incredibly messy so whatever i see will of course be cleaned out and be prestine by next month. and boy was she right about the clutter! but objectively, i think it's laid out a lot better than the 2 br apartments actually, so once the person living there moves out and everything gets cleaned, it'll look great. having seen that place though and how the current tenant lives, i suddenly realized i actually did pretty good putting together our apartment, given my condition. our place doesn't look all that crappy after all, it even looks neat, tidy, and uncluttered, if you can believe that. especially coming from how everything looked when all our stuff just got shipped. and to think that i've been beating myself up because i didn't think i was doing enough work around here. but you see i...

ok here's my second attempt. my first take on "what's fun" kinda dragged my mood down to the horrors of inevitability, so here goes another shot at this happiness project. i know i said work is what's fun for me, but then i realized, work didn't have to be office work or fundraising work. it could be other things not related to my profession. so one day earlier this week, i decided to focus on clearing out the junk in my living room and dining room. once i cleared everything, i was in a better mood to accessorize. i was able to envision what kind of artwork to put on my walls, how i would like to set the table, what flowers to buy, that kind of thing. in fact this long weekend, i fully intend to focus on creative arts and crafts projects so i can forget about... everything else that's not contributing anything positive to my mood or my productivity. last night i decided to pick on the other bedroom, which has been functioning as my storage for the past...

so this happiness project isn't as simple and easy as i thought it would be. the first step to being happier is to start having some fun. to start having some fun i actually need to do fun things, which brings me to the first activity on the happiness project: what is fun? in order to do fun things, i have to first determine what's fun for me. i've been warned that this could take a good deal of reflection to figure out and i have to be completely honest with myself while i'm doing it. so ok, here are the things that came to my mind: work, school, getting a massage, shopping, eating out, reading, playing scrabble/chess or some trivia or word game, playing the piano, cooking, hanging out with friends, surfing the internet, downloading music, watching movies, watching tv, taking long walks by myself, traveling, going to concerts, grocery shopping, volunteering, and attending community events. but then i drilled down each and every one of these things, and i realized som...

i need to start a happiness project. i'm so angry, and i mean way over my head angry. some of you know why, but that's not what matters right now. i know it's not going to go away easily so i need to do something in an effort to save my sanity and for the sake of my daughter whose main existence at this point is tied to my every action and well-being. i don't eat well anymore, in fact i have completely lost my appetite. i don't sleep well. i go to bed upset and i wake up upset. i'm sad and distracted, and i've started dreading coming home each day. i'm starting to despise home. i shouldn't even be using that word, what the hell does home mean anyway. the only thing keeping me together is work which is only 8 hours in a day, which i desperately try to extend to 10, but it puts me at a disadvantage because pretty soon i'm going to run out of work to do. sound familiar? i can't believe this is happening again. but how can i be happy if i...

since i'm on my 30th week, it was time to meet with our hr manager to discuss the maternity leave process. i wanted to give myself enough leeway since this is the first time i'd ever worked in public service, i wanted to be on the safe side in case there's bureaucracy in the process. and i'm glad i did, because guess what i found out? apparently according to our union agreement you're supposed to go on leave 6 weeks before your due date (ohmigod!!! i was mortified), unless i get a note from my doctor that it was ok for me to work until so and so date (phew!). so it was a good thing i was going to see my doctor that afternoon anyway so i was able to get the note from him. my doctor's visit wasn't all that super. i never should've said outloud that this pregnancy was going beautifully, the sooner i said that, then came the issues. i lost weight. so much for the precious 4 lbs i was so proud of 2 weeks ago. i have low blood pressure. sure whatever, so wha...

after days of feeling furious, frustrated, disrespected, disappointed, misunderstood, judged, confused, sad, stressed out, distracted, unproductive, depressed, and just downright crappy, from sources that 99.9% of the world would understand and be sympathetic about but would also actually unanimously think was crazy and unbelievably hilarious in a sickeningly twisted way, i finally found something that cheered myself up, even just a little. after patiently waiting for all the necessary paperwork to be completed and be in my possession, i finally was able to take care of getting my driver's license transferred, registering my car in bc, and getting my car insurance all squared away. i know it's not exactly something to rejoice about especially when this is one of the prime examples of why i avoided owning a car for as long as i could in the first place (grr.. stupid monthly payments and the stress of making sure you don't get into an accident or your insurance goes up!...

the dad of one of my closest friends and godsister passed away a few days ago. i know they've been expecting it for a while so it wasn't quite a shock when it happened. and as an extension since i do hear about how he's been doing, i wasn't that shocked either. but that doesn't mean it wasn't surreal to me. my godsister and i grew up together. our families are close and we would always spend a lot of time in each other's homes growing up to the point that we treat each other's families almost as if they were our own. i haven't seen my family a lot and i haven't seen her family at all over the past 8 years. and even though i know old age is upon all of us, my parents' generation has pretty much maintained the same image in my head as the first time i met them. in my head, they don't grow old. they're just there and will always be there. so when instances like death happens, it jolts me to the reality that, no they won't always be...

i had a very productive weekend it's not even funny. i was able to do so much in 2 days than the past 2 months! i was able to empty 12 boxes and counting. now i'm feeling everything though. i'm feeling all the aches and pains of squatting on the floor all weekend, lifting those that i could lift, and pushing boxes that i couldn't lift. i also realized what a great job we did sorting through what we wanted to bring all the way here, and disposing of the things we no longer needed, because once i was able to empty the boxes and put things in proper places i realized that i wasn't really running out of room. well that's the living room, dining room, and kitchen. the bedroom is a whole different scenario which i haven't quite tackled yet. it's the clothes and shoes. they really need their own apartment. i am so grateful for all the fabulous work that eduardo did for packing everything. i was only involved with the preliminary sorting process, he basicall...

not really sure how to even begin updating this blog. i've been so far behind my blogging that i'm not even sure which news to share because it's not really even news anymore at this point. oh well i'll do my best. i didn't really get a chance to talk about my birthday. i know a lot of people had a lot of sympathy for me for celebrating it by myself, but really it wasn't that bad at all. after all, after this year how many more other chances would i get to celebrate it on my own? ironically the year that it actually fell on a friday is when i don't have anyone to schedule anything with, but it doesn't matter because the laundry room had no prior engagements for that evening. so yup i did laundry and watched the 24 hour sex and the city marathon on tv while folding clothes. it was productive and relaxing at the same time, not having to worry if anybody else is having fun on my day. also, i felt obligated to eat some traditional birthday food so i made...

i never thought i'd be embarassed by my accomplishments until now. it's great when it's written on my resume and i apply for jobs. it's even greater when nobody talks about it. but when first it's broadcasted by my boss on the monthly ceo newsletter and then she announces it outloud during an all-staff meeting while we all stand in front of everyone, i couldn't help but cringe and desperately want to run and hide inside a closet. i sounded like a complete and total NERD! i wanted to defend myself and say something like "i swear i'm really not a loser!" that was my boss's attempt to introduce the spanking brand-new development department to the public service world who until now still can't grasp the concept of what fundraising does. i mean at least i should be thankful that the introduction only included education and professional experience. i mean imagine how much more horrible it would've sounded if she had included hobbies and int...

happy birthday raine! i CAN’T believe he’s one year old. the past year just went by ridiculously fast. i was thinking about it on friday when i got home. oh wow, at the strike of midnight exactly a year ago i started going into labor and it went on for another 66 hours and 45 minutes! believe me i have nothing but awful memories and horrible things to say about it. but as my perpetually family-oriented and children-loving husband pointed out to me, wasn’t it all worth it, because just look at raine now! yes i have to agree, it was worth it. who knew i’d be able to produce such a happy, happy, happy and overall healthy child who freakishly looks a little too much like me when I was a baby. but he’s prettier =) as happy and proud i am right now to celebrate raine’s first year milestone (by myself, by making some celebratory pasta dish when i get home tonight, while my son goes off and kicks off his week-long birthday celebration by spending the day in niagara falls), i can’t help but...

it's a she! of course any ultrasound technician would never say that they're 100% sure what the sex of the baby is but she did say that she was pretty sure she didn't see a penis - ha! we're so excited. eduardo got his wish, he has always wanted a daughter. actually i wasn't that surprised to hear that we're having a girl, i had a feeling it would be a girl. i've been having dreams from the very beginning that it would be a girl. of course one of the more prominent of those dreams was a bit of a nightmare that eduardo had to wake me up for. i dreamt that i had a girl and if raine had one tooth, this one had a full set of fangs and wanted to eat all of raine's pet fishes. in that dream i kept shouting "don't touch the fishies! don't touch the fishies" ok, let's hope that none of this would come true. in celebration, i came home early (meaning i actually left work on time and went straight home as opposed to wandering around in th...